Revision Quiz

Fatima realizes she has offered a weak thesis in this paper. Which of the following could replace sentences 1 and 2 and provide a more effective thesis statement for Fatima’s paper?

• Mia Hamm is an interesting and fun personality, and I am grateful for this opportunity to research her story. I think that as you read my paper, you will agree that she has added great energy to women’s sports in this country and also to sports around the world.

• Mia Hamm is one of the most celebrated female soccer players of all time and is an inspiration to young women everywhere. Her contributions to women’s soccer have had an unmistakable impact on the sport, both in the United States and internationally.

• There is a soccer player in this country that is clearly more talented than all the rest. Her name is Mia Hamm, and she is an outstanding player and a model athlete who works hard to make sure she is always setting an example for other athletes and for the world at large.

• If you don’t know Mia Hamm, you probably don’t know much. Many people say that she is the greatest soccer player of all time because she is so supremely committed to soccer and also to all that it means to herself and the other people of the world.

What is the most effective revision to make in sentence 14?

• And at the age of 17, she was playing for the University of North Carolina, she helped her team win four NCAA championships and broke many school records along the way.

• And at the age of 17, she was playing for the University of North Carolina and won four NCAA championships and breaking many school records along the way, which helped her team.

• And at the age of 17, she was playing for the University of North Carolina, which helped her team win four NCAA championships and breaking many school records along the way.

• And at the age of 17, she was playing for the University of North Carolina, where she helped her team win four NCAA championships and broke many school records along the way.

Tags

CCSS.L.6.2A

CCSS.L.7.1A

CCSS.L.9-10.1B

Which of these details could best follow and support sentence 22?

• Though she had injured her ankle badly in the game, Hamm still managed to take control of the ball and pass it to a teammate who then scored the winning goal.

• Hamm held a record for the most international goals until June 2013, when her record was broken by another American, Abby Wambach.

• For 17 years Hamm played with and often led the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team, and she was U.S. Soccer’s Female Athlete of the Year from 1994 to 1998.

• Hamm received another great accolade in 2004, when she was included on a list of the 125 Greatest Living Soccer Players.

Tags

CCSS.RI.7.2

CCSS.RI.8.2

CCSS.RL.7.1

CCSS.RL.8.1

CCSS.RL.9-10.2

The meaning of sentence 24 is unclear. The clarity of this sentence can be improved by changing They to —

• Some advertisements

• Various women

• Sports companies

• International faces

Tags

CCSS.RI.11-12.5

CCSS.RI.8.3

CCSS.RI.8.5

CCSS.RI.9-10.3

CCSS.RI.9-10.5