Revision Passage: Have I Made a Mistake

What is the most effective revision to make in sentence 4?

• Unfortunately, my hands aren’t interested, they don’t care what my brain is telling them to do.

• Unfortunately, my hands aren’t interested in what my brain is telling my hands to do.

• Unfortunately, my hands and my brain aren’t interested in what it is telling them to do.

• No revision is needed in this sentence.

What is the BEST way to revise sentence 8?

• A shrill scream snaps me out of my daydream, and from the car behind me, it returns my focus to the world around me.

• A shrill scream snaps me out of my daydream and returns my focus to the world around me.

• A shrill scream from the car behind me snaps me out of my daydream and returns my focus to the world around me.

• A shrill scream snaps me out of my daydream from the car behind me, returning my focus to the world around me.

What is the BEST revision to make in sentence 9?

• All I can hear is the whoosh of the wind, the thunder of the car’s metallic wheels, and the piercing shrieks of my fellow passengers.

• All I can hear is the whoosh of the wind and the thunder of the car’s metallic wheels, I can also hear my fellow passengers who have piercing shrieks.

• All I can hear is the whoosh of the wind and the thunder of the car’s metallic wheels and my fellow passengers and their piercing shrieks.

• All I can hear is the whoosh of the wind next to the thunder of the car’s metallic wheels beside my fellow passengers who have piercing shrieks.

Isaiah would like to add some detail to support the idea he has presented in sentence 14. Which sentence could BEST follow and provide support for sentence 14?

• I’m thinking that the ride will be over soon.

• It comes out of the tunnel really fast and heads straight up into the air.

• The light of a beautiful day is welcome but nearly blinding after the darkness of the tunnel.

• While I find adventure movies intriguing, this doesn’t feel intriguing at all.

What is the most effective transition to add to the beginning of sentence 19?

• For example

• To repeat

• On the other hand

• In fact

Isaiah’s closing sentence is weak. Which of these sentences could replace sentence 20 and provide a more effective closing for this paper?

• I’m going to get right back in line and ride the Viper again!

• There’s no doubt in my mind as to what I will do now!

• Finally, I’m going to do it again.

• In closing, riding the Viper was an amazing experience.