Editing Revision

William wants to add an additional detail to help develop his introduction. Read the first paragraph again. What is the best idea William could add after sentence 2?

• Because they felt a need to communicate, they searched for ways that fit into the reality of their times.
•  And if they needed to research a topic, they headed to the local library and cracked open an encyclopedia.
• The mailbox was only blocks from their house.
• They didn’t have cable television, MP3 players, or cell phones.

2 What is the best revision to make in sentence 9? 

•  With the aid of a search engine, such as Yahoo! or Google, a student can conduct research for a paper, a consumer can obtain product information, a parent can investigate a sick child’s symptoms, and an unemployed businessperson can explore job opportunities.
• With the aid of a search engine, such as Yahoo! or Google, a student can conduct research for a paper, and product information can be obtained by a parent who can investigate a sick child’s symptoms while an unemployed businessperson is exploring job opportunities
• With the aid of a search engine, such as Yahoo! or Google, there is so much that can be done, a student can conduct research for a paper, a consumer can obtain product information, a parent can investigate a sick child’s symptoms, and an unemployed businessperson can also explore job opportunities.
• With the aid of a search engine, such as Yahoo! or Google, a student can conduct research for a paper, product information can be obtained, investigating of a sick child’s symptoms by a parent is possible, and job opportunities by an unemployed businessperson can be explored.

William wants to add a sentence to provide a better transition between the second paragraph (sentences 5–10) and the third paragraph (sentences 11–17). Read both paragraphs again. Which of the following would be the most effective sentence to add to the beginning of the third paragraph (right before sentence 11)?

• It is an ever-changing, ever-growing list.
• What would we do without the Internet and all its amazing uses?
•  In fact, the Internet has done more than change the ways we communicate and obtain information.
•  However, the Internet is a powerful tool that requires knowledge and appropriate respect.

One of the details that William has included in the fourth paragraph (sentences 18–25) is interesting but does not support the main idea of the paragraph. Which sentence should William delete from this paragraph?

• Sentence 18
• Sentence 20
• Sentence 21
•  Sentence 23

William has not chosen the most effective words in sentence 27. Which of the following could best replace the phrase people before and create a more effective sentence?

• friends of the past
• earlier generations
• previous ancestors
•  her family

Ron wants to strengthen the introduction to his paper by adding the following detail to the first paragraph (sentences 1–5). Clouds of mosquitoes buzz incessantly in the steamy heat. Where is the most effective place for Ron to insert this sentence?

• After sentence 3
•  After sentence 4
• After sentence 5
• Ron should not insert this sentence. It does not belong in this paragraph.

Reread the entire paper and think about its thesis. How can Ron rewrite sentence 9 to more clearly articulate the thesis?

•  This kind of service is obviously beneficial to those who receive the assistance, but surprisingly, it is also good for the teens who volunteer.
•  This kind of service can be beneficial to more than just those who receive it and participate in it.
• There are a host of good reasons why this kind of service can be helpful to the community, school, and nation as a whole.
• Service in a developing nation can be an important part of the maturation process for students who need to get out of their comfort zone and learn to be more independent.

Ron would like to add another example to support the idea he has presented in the fourth paragraph (sentences 15–19). Which of the following could best follow sentence 16 and accomplish this goal?

• Digging a ditch is hard work, but in many parts of the world, it’s a daily occurrence
• Other activities that people engage in together, such as playing music or sports, will feel equally meaningful and important when you participate.
• People around the world view the role of home and family in many different ways. 
• Watching a group of kids gladly share a tattered book will make American teens less likely to beg for yet another pair of new shoes.

What is the most effective way to combine sentences 18 and 19? 

• When they return home, it will have changed, probably to be more appreciative of what they have and less focused on the things they think they need.
• Since they return home, they’ll probably be more appreciative of what they have and less focused on the things they think they need to change.
•  Upon returning home, they’ll probably be more appreciative of what they have and less focused on the things they think they need.
• They’ll return home and be changed, they’ll probably be more appreciative of what they have and less focused on the things they think they need.

There is an indefinite reference in sentence 22. To correct this problem, Ron should replace the pronoun them with —

• students
• their peers
• other sports
• their grades