Revising: Sawyer's New Coworker

Which sentence can replace sentence 2 to help develop the introduction to this story? 

• 1. She had landed the perfect job, stocking shelves at a local grocery store. 

• 1. She was glad she had found a job that allowed her to make it to swim team in the evenings. 

• 1. She was a little chilly, so she was quite thankful that she had worn a jacket. 

• 1. She looked carefully around the room, interested by everything that she saw in front of her. 

What is the MOST effective way to combine sentences 4 and 5?

• 1. She was poised to place a can of tomato sauce on its designated shelf, which caused her to shriek and toss the can over her shoulder when a raucous voice from behind startled her. 

• 1. She was poised to place a can of tomato sauce on its designated shelf, and she was startled by a raucous voice from behind that shrieked and tossed the can over her shoulder. 

• 1. She was poised to place a can of tomato sauce on its designated shelf when a raucous voice from behind is what startled her and tossing the can over her shoulder, it caused her to shriek. 

• 1. She was poised to place a can of tomato sauce on its designated shelf when a raucous voice from behind startled her, causing her to shriek and toss the can over her shoulder. 

What is the BEST transition to add to the beginning of sentence 7?

• Obviously

• Likewise

• Suddenly

• However

Emma has included a sentence that does not belong in the fifth paragraph (sentences 21-27). Which sentence should she remove?

• Sentence 22

• Sentence 23

• Sentence 24

• Sentence 25

Sentence 37 contains some redundancy. In the space provided, rewrite sentence 37 in a clear and effective way.

What revision, if any, should be made in sentence 41?

• 1. Sawyer smiled as she left the store and the sudden realization that she just might be making a new friend. 

• 1. With the sudden realization that she just might be as she left the store making a new friend, Sawyer smiled. 

• 1. Sawyer smiled as she left the store with the sudden realization that she just might be making a new friend. 

• 1. No change is needed.