Buy the shoes that everyone is wearing! Get your Nike Swifters today!

My 5th grade teacher once told me that girls will go crazy for you if you learn how to dance. Therefore, if you want to make the ladies go crazy, learn to dance.

Government Bro: I intend to cut the numbers of homeless people in Chicago in half by 2022. I have a great plan for how to do this; I've been working on this plan for years. I started planning how to save America when I was attending Dartmouth in the early 90's. Dartmouth really is the best college to attend. Ask my good friend Meryl Streep who also attended Dartmouth. Great woman that Meryl. You know once she asked me on a date. I had to refuse of course, I couldn't be seen out and about with an up and coming actress.

Don't be the only one in your neighborhood that doesn't have the Lawnmower 3000.

"I've been using the Turbo Towel for years and I love it!" - Marie K. (Real Turbo Towel User)

My father smoked four packs of cigarettes a day from the age of 14 to 65. Therefore smoking really can't be that bad for you.

As an NBA star my teammates always ask me, "Westbrook, how do you keep your teeth so shiny?" and I make sure to tell them about my favorite toothpaste, Colgate!

We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way. *cracks knuckles* - Every mobster ever

Teacher: Did you finish your homework?

Student: I was working on it, but the game came on. Did you see that three pointer that Adams made last second? When I become a famous basketball star, I'll give you a shout out!