Notice in the church bulletin: "For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

Customer: "But you advertised the brooch as 'pure gold.'" Salesman: "It is pure gold. That is, what gold is in it is pure. If we had meant 'all gold,' we would have said so."

I'm sure you will agree that deprivation of the nutritive instinct is destructive of the higher cultural interests. What does "nutritive instinct" mean? I don't have time to explain right now.

Dad, I know I'm supposed to set a good example for Alexis, but you just told me not to bring her with me to that party. And I didn't. I brought the party to our house.

PTA member to another member: "We don't want that witch Helen on our committee. She jabbers on all the time; she dresses with the grace of a moose; and she reeks of stale perfume."

Ad for a classical music CD: "Christophe Rousset leads a cast of breathtaking talent in this world premiere recording of one of Lully's greatest operas. Classical Music magazine says, 'The recording is sensational. Cyril Acton is stupendous in the lead role.'"

Sally's English teacher said, "Sally, I believe that you are a very bright young lady, but you are not working up to your potential. With a little more study, you can be an A student." Three weeks later the teacher again met with Sally and stated, "Sally, I have seen no improvement in your grades. Didn't you increase your study time?" Sally reported, "I did. You told me to increase my study time a little. I increased study time from none to ten minutes a day."

At a veterans' meeting, one braggadocious individual was telling the story of how, after his ship was torpedoed, he and a friend of his survived for two weeks on a can of sardines. "Oh really," replied a droll observer, "weren't you afraid one of you would fall off?"

Sam: "Lawrence, you said that Barack Obama is a Socialist. What do you mean by that?"
Lawrence: "All his policies are Socialistic. Haven't you been paying attention to what is going on?"

In the Book of Matthew, Jesus says that if God takes care of the flowers and birds and they don’t worry, then how much more will He take care of us. I am not going to worry; I am going to trust in God.

Believe me, the Vietnam War is the ghost that will haunt this country for a hundred years.

I prefer the Republicans in the White House to the Democrats. The Democrats are a bunch of little old ladies with no gumption at all; but the Republicans, hey, they're the Hawks, the killer bees. Ain't nobody gonna mess with them.

Coach to his football team: "Men, we may not have as much talent as our next opponent. But if we work hard, we can win. If we don't work hard enough, we'll lose for sure." Player to his parents that evening: "Coach says we'll lose the next game for sure."

Daughter: "Mom, what's the secret of making your spaghetti sauce? I follow your recipe, but mine never tastes as good as yours." Mom: "When you're making the sauce, remember I told you to add a pinch of garlic, a dab of hot sauce, a squeeze of lemon, and a dash of oregano."

From an article in the school newspaper: "Several students were found in the rest rooms at recess smoking cigarettes. The principal put them out."

Diaper Ad: "Potty training a toddler is like trying to teach your grandfather to use his smart phone. Yes, there will be frustration; yes, you will have to repeat yourself over and over again, and, yes, it might take months. But in the end, it's all worth it. In the meantime, while you're in the thick of things, we're here to help with our new Pull-up training pants. Try them today!"

This insurance policy is the rock of our company. Without it, our corporate walls would crumble.

Newspaper headline: "Students cook and serve grandparents."

Ad: "The hottest new product in Mexican food is the chicken soup at Pablo's Restaurant. It's so hot you may want to ask the chef to cut down on the spices."

Mom, how can I be in trouble? You told me not to play with the crystal vases in the china cabinet. And I didn't. I played with the crystal vases on the bookshelf.

Coach to candidates: "Make sure you are strong and physically fit before trying out for our traveling team."

Only Zoplait can bring you a new flavor this lusciously exotic. Introducing a light key lime pie so tropical and so refreshing it'll take you to paradise.

Progressive Insurance ad: "Bundle your home and auto insurance together, and you could save a bundle."

Teacher to parent: "Your child constantly disrupts my class." Parent: "Can you give me examples of how she disrupts the class?" Teacher: "Take my word for it. She disrupts the class almost every day."

Dad, I shouldn't be in trouble. You told me my punishment was that I was only allowed to go to school and work, nothing else. And that's exactly what I did. The Fall Fling Dance was at the school, and that's the only place I went.

The local Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Fan Club members met last night to discuss the turtles. More were present than ever before.

Son: "Mom, what time do I have to be home?" Mom: "Just don't come in too late - that's all I ask."

Dad to Son: "Ricky, you can't be rushing around all the time, expecting answers within minutes. Be patient." Son: "But, Dad. I think I am patient. How long should I be waiting for answers?" Dad: "Ricky, if you haven't figured out patience by now, all I can do is shake my head."

Critic: "The film was a colossal waste of time and a stupendous waste of money."
Newspaper ad for the film the next week: "Critics call it 'colossal' and 'stupendous'!"

Political candidate: "America has become the most obese nation in the world. Running, jogging, or even walking has allowed many of our citizens to combat the issue of weight gain and become healthy again. If elected, I will work for an exercise program to target those most at risk. And that is why I'm running for office, to help those who aren't running to start."

Yes, my client might be interested in allowing you to put his name and picture on your products, but only if you come with a very generous financial offer.

Wife: "Honey, you said we would go on vacation this summer to the Taj Mahal in India." Husband: "Darling, I said we'd go on vacation this summer to the Taj Mahal in India, if the Boston Red Sox won the World Series."

Republican congressman summarizing what his party has done in the first 100 days of the new Congress: "We have passed laws against welfare cheats, cut the bloated Federal bureaucracy, provided tax breaks for hard-working middle-class Americans, and eliminated many wasteful, ridiculous government projects."

If you would have chosen the proper and decent thing to do instead of indulging your own selfish desire to engage in self-satisfying vice, you would not find yourself in this predicament.

Teacher to class: "Each of you must write a brief paragraph on what you did during the holiday break." Student: "What do you mean by 'brief'?" Teacher: "I'll let you know if your paragraph is not brief when you turn it in."

Ad: "Cole Fresh Mixed Fruit Juice is like the refreshing gurgling of a mountain stream."

Baseball needs a major change. The season is too long.

Miss Jones wrote to the company: "I lost 50 ugly, unwanted pounds simply by taking two of your Slim-Bod capsules daily and following a low-calorie diet for six months. Now the men won't take their eyes off me." The company used what she wrote in the following manner: "Miss Jones says she 'lost 50 ugly, unwanted pounds simply by taking two Slim-Bods daily.'" Which of the following best describes the company's use of her statement?

When asked her opinion of the album “As Nasty as They Come,” Maggie said, “Well, if you ask me, it is pure unadulterated filth. It is a prime example of man at his worst. The level of respect shown to women is abominable and the idiots who made the record should be thrown in the deepest dungeon they can find and never released.” She added, “But someone else may see things differently.”

Headline in a newspaper above an article describing a recent mining accident death: MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH Which of the following best describes the headline?