Writing - Common mistakes + Cohesion

Common Notes on Writing

Write to persuade

What's wrong with the sentences below?

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If more trees are planted, the environment will be saved.

All apples are red.

Women are better at multi-tasking than men.

Students who leave school at 16 don’t get good jobs.

People today eat too much fast food.

Working shifts makes employees depressed.

How to fix the error?

• Add a quantifier to the sentence – e.g. Most women are better at multi-tasking than men.

• Add an adverb of frequency (sometimes, generally, typically..) – e.g. Students who leave school at 16 don’t usually get good jobs.

• Add a modal verb (might, probable, certain, clear...) – e.g. Working shifts can make employees depressed 

• Use a tentative verb – e.g. People today tend to/ likely/ seem to eat too much fast food. 

• Give reasons/ give example: due to, for the reason of ....

• Using that clause: There is high probability that/ many people hold the view that/ it could be argued that.....

Fix the sentences below

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Red roses cannot survive long winters, because in my garden two red roses died over a long winter.

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Play is an essential part of the learning process for children.

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It is important for children to try to learn another language early in their education.

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Living in big cities is very stressful, big cities are too over crowded.

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Social networkings have bad effects on young children's minds

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Youngsters are more influenced by their peers than their parents

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Global warming will become a much more serious issue in the next 20 years.

Open Ended

In many countries, the tradition of having family meals together is disappearing.

What will the effects of this be on the family and society?

What's wrong with these sentences?

• Children of families who do not eat together turn to crime and often commit murder. 

• Children from families that have disintegrated usually end up being drug addicts.

• Parents who do not eat together get divorced.

Exaggeration

Unfortunately, this trend can lead to a number of negative outcomes. Firstly, when families sit down and eat together every day, it is easy for the parents to see subtle changes in their children’s behaviour that could be warning signs of an underlying problem. For example, they might be experiencing some difficulties at school such as bullying, or they may have fallen out with friends. Once family members eat separately, the opportunity for daily observation is lost and, as a result, younger family members’ problems can go unrecognised. Over time, this can lead to them becoming depressed or acting out in other ways, which could affect their schoolwork or their ability to interact with others in society in general. In the same way, if the adult members of the family both work long hours, then a shared meal might be the only time that they have to really connect each day. Thus, not having this meal can result in them becoming distanced. In the worst cases, this might lead to the breakdown of communication and even, eventually, in divorce.

Writing coherently

There are ways to link points within a sentence, between sentences, ideas, and paragraphs. They are called cohesive devices.

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Link the setences by pronouns

Many people enjoy retirement.

They find they have the time for activities they enjoy.

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Join the sentences using apposition

Over the last two decades, population ageing has accelerated in the UK.

Population ageing is a common trend through out the developed world.

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Link the sentences using this/ these + summary word.

The population in urban areas has grown particularly quickly.

The population growth in urban areas has put pressure on local services.

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Link the sentences using coordinating conjunctions (And, but, for, nor, or, so, and yet)

There are more job opportunities in cities.

People migrate to cities from rural areas.

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Link the sentences using subordinating conjunctions (than, rather than, whether, as much as, whereas, that, whatever, which, whichever, after, as soon as, as long as, before, by the time, now that, once, since, till, until, when, whenever, while, though, although, even though, who, whoever, whom, ...)

Couples are under pressure to work.

Couples often delay starting a family.

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Link the sentences by relative pronouns ("that," "which," "who," "whom," and "whose.")

Lower mortality is due to increased longevity.

Increased longevity results from improved healthcare.

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_{Link the sentences by sentence linkers : ADDITION – and, plus, furthermore, moreover, in addition, also, as well as./ TIME – when, while, as, as soon as./ SEQUENCE – then, after, afterwards, next, firstly, secondly, finally./ CONTRAST – but, however, though, although, nevertheless, despite, whereas, while.}

_Eg:

_{People want to enjoy retirement.}

_{People do not alwasy save enough for a comfortable retirement.}

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^{Which cohesive devices are used in the below passage:}

^{Decreasing birth rates can be attributed to two main factors, namely: availability of family planning and changes in how people feel about work and family. These changes include greater career aspirations among women, a tendency to delay marriage, and a preference for smaller families. Lower mortality, on the other hand, is due to increase longevity, which result from improved healthcare and better living conditions.}

Link the following sentences using cohesive devices

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The bar chart shows the percentage of people who were over the age of sixty-five in 2000. The bar chart shows the percentage of people expected to be over the age of sixty-five in 2030. The bar chart gives firgures for seven different countries.

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Korea, Mexico, and Turkey are all developing or newly industrialised countries. Korea, Mexico, and Turkey are all expected to experience large increases in the proportion of the population that is elderly.

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The biggest increase is likely to occur in Korea. The proportion of pensioners in Korea is expected to increase from ten percent to 35 percent.

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The changes in all three countries will occur from a relatively low base. The predicted proportion of elderly residents will still be lower than that expected in developed economies.

Using too many cohesive devices

The writing would become too heavy and difficult to read.

Improve the paragraph

removing unnecessary cohesive devices, dividing sentences that are too complex, correcting punctuation.

Sample answer

Figure shows the distribution of the population in terms of gender and age. The age group with the highest percentage of both men and women is 55 and 59. Roughly five percent of the population is in this age group. The age groups with the next highest proportion of the population of 30 to 34 and 35 to 39. Interestingly, until the age of fifty-nine, the proportion of males and females is roughly equal. However, thereafter, women make up a higher proportion of the elderly population. This trend is particularly evident in those aged eighty plus. Over four percent of women fall into this category, where is only two percent of men have reached this age.