Writing - Common mistakes + Cohesion

Common Notes on Writing

Write to persuade

What's wrong with the sentences below?

How to fix the error?

• Add a quantifier to the sentence – e.g. Most women are better at multi-tasking than men.

• Add an adverb of frequency (sometimes, generally, typically..) – e.g. Students who leave school at 16 don’t usually get good jobs.

• Add a modal verb (might, probable, certain, clear...) – e.g. Working shifts can make employees depressed 

• Use a tentative verb – e.g. People today tend to/ likely/ seem to eat too much fast food. 

• Give reasons/ give example: due to, for the reason of ....

• Using that clause: There is high probability that/ many people hold the view that/ it could be argued that.....

Fix the sentences below

Open Ended

In many countries, the tradition of having family meals together is disappearing.

What will the effects of this be on the family and society?

What's wrong with these sentences?

• Children of families who do not eat together turn to crime and often commit murder. 

• Children from families that have disintegrated usually end up being drug addicts.

• Parents who do not eat together get divorced.

Exaggeration

Unfortunately, this trend can lead to a number of negative outcomes. Firstly, when families sit down and eat together every day, it is easy for the parents to see subtle changes in their children’s behaviour that could be warning signs of an underlying problem. For example, they might be experiencing some difficulties at school such as bullying, or they may have fallen out with friends. Once family members eat separately, the opportunity for daily observation is lost and, as a result, younger family members’ problems can go unrecognised. Over time, this can lead to them becoming depressed or acting out in other ways, which could affect their schoolwork or their ability to interact with others in society in general. In the same way, if the adult members of the family both work long hours, then a shared meal might be the only time that they have to really connect each day. Thus, not having this meal can result in them becoming distanced. In the worst cases, this might lead to the breakdown of communication and even, eventually, in divorce.

Writing coherently

There are ways to link points within a sentence, between sentences, ideas, and paragraphs. They are called cohesive devices.

Link the following sentences using cohesive devices

Using too many cohesive devices

The writing would become too heavy and difficult to read.

Improve the paragraph

removing unnecessary cohesive devices, dividing sentences that are too complex, correcting punctuation.

Sample answer

Figure shows the distribution of the population in terms of gender and age. The age group with the highest percentage of both men and women is 55 and 59. Roughly five percent of the population is in this age group. The age groups with the next highest proportion of the population of 30 to 34 and 35 to 39. Interestingly, until the age of fifty-nine, the proportion of males and females is roughly equal. However, thereafter, women make up a higher proportion of the elderly population. This trend is particularly evident in those aged eighty plus. Over four percent of women fall into this category, where is only two percent of men have reached this age.