ABC of Teaching

What's the best way to ensure your students never forget the homework?

• a) Post it on the school website where no one checks.
• b) Mention it once at the end of class, mumbling under your breath.
• c) Assign an unreasonably high number of problems and threaten a pop quiz.
• d) Expect them to magically know through telepathy.

When a student asks, "Will this be on the test?" the most appropriate response is:

• “No, I just like to waste our time with irrelevant information.”
• “Yes, and so will everything else I haven’t covered yet.”
• “Only if you’re lucky.”
• “Why do you care? You weren’t going to study anyway.”

The most effective classroom management strategy is:

• Ignoring bad behavior and hoping it goes away.
• Yelling louder than the students.
• Rewarding students with gold stars because they're obviously five years old.
• Making empty threats you never follow through on.

When faced with yet another mandatory professional development session, you:

• Bring a pillow and a blanket, it’s nap time.
• Play professional development bingo with your colleagues.
• Pretend to take notes while actually doodling.
• Genuinely try to care but lose the will to live halfway through.

The best way to grade a mountain of papers is:

• Randomly assign grades and hope for the best.
• Develop a sophisticated color-coding system no one understands.
• Procrastinate until the last possible minute, then panic.
• Use the “eeny, meeny, miny, moe” method.

How do you handle a student who claims their dog ate their homework?

• Congratulate them on their creativity.
• Ask if their dog also ate their textbook, notes, and motivation.
• Suggest they buy a new dog that likes homework.
• Politely remind them that you don’t care.

What's the most productive use of your planning period?

• Scrolling through social media and pretending it’s research.
• Wondering why you chose this profession in the first place.
• Catching up on grading while stress-eating snacks.
• Writing highly detailed lesson plans you'll never follow.

9. When a student sleeps through your entire class, your first thought is:

• “Is my lecture really that soothing?”
• “At least they’re quiet and not causing trouble.”
• “Should I start a podcast for insomniacs?”
• “Maybe I should just teach through interpretive dance.”