Revising Sentence Clarity

Friend Yourself-Which of the following could replace sentence 3 and better articulate the position Kayla is trying to take in this paper?

• However, in today’s world, where Internet activity is such a common occurrence, an online persona cannot be separated from real-life activities and views.
• However, in recent years the line between the two has blurred, making it more important than ever for people to be cognizant of how they present themselves online.
• Social networking, through such sites as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, is common today among teens, adults, and even the elderly.
• People could act and talk a certain way online, but in real life they may be totally different.

Friend Yourself-What is the most effective revision to make in sentence 5?

•  It’s easy to snap a photo, load it on a website, and type out a quick synopsis of where they are and what they’re doing.
• It’s easy to snap a photo and load it on a website, then a quick synopsis is typed out of where they are and what they’re doing.
• It’s easy to snap a photo that loads it on a website to type a synopsis of where they are and what they’re doing
• No revision is needed in this sentence

Friend Yourself-Sentence 8 contains an indefinite reference that affects the clarity of the sentence. What is the best way to revise this sentence?

• Change that to some
• Change he to a boy
• Change someone to a person
• Change them to him

Friend Yourself-Kayla wants to provide a stronger transition between the second paragraph (sentences 4–12) and the third paragraph (sentences 13–16). Which of the following could best replace sentence 13 and accomplish this goal?

•  Some employers will be concerned about information you may have posted many years ago.
• Be cautious as you give out information about other people, too.
•  Listen to this story about what happened to one couple.
•  There are also dangers in posting other kinds of information on social media.

Friend Yourself-Kayla wants to add a quotation that will help support the idea presented in sentence 16. Analyze the quotations below. Which of these would be the most effective to insert after sentence 16?

•  One state official noted, “It’s the same as giving the key to your house to a burglar.”
• The founder of Facebook once said, “When you give everyone a voice and give people power, the system usually ends up in a really good place.”
• “Our head of social media is the customer,” said a spokesperson for one well-known company.
• “We’re all social creatures,” one magazine states.

Friend Yourself-What is the most effective way to revise sentence 21?

• Both in real life and online, remember that who you become later and the decisions you make today are directly related!
• Who you become later, it is directly related both in real life and online to the decisions you make today!
•  Remember that who you become later, both in real life and online, is directly related to the decisions you make today!
• Sentence 21 does not need to be revised.

(Fearless Felix) Catherine would like to provide a more detailed thesis statement for her paper. Which of the following could replace sentence 3 and accomplish this goal?

• Instead, Baumgartner was high above Earth—24 miles to be precise—and jumped without a jet or spacecraft of any kind.
• Instead, Baumgartner, who was 24 miles above Earth at the time, jumped out of a capsule and proceeded to free-fall, traveling at speeds of more than 800 miles per hour.
• Instead, Baumgartner was 24 miles above Earth at the time, which is quite an amazing distance, and jumped, which is quite an amazing feat.
• Instead, Baumgartner was several miles above the beautiful, majestic Earth at the time that he decided to make a magnificent jump.

(Fearless Felix) In sentence 5, awesome is not the most effective word to use. Which of the following could replace awesome in this sentence?

• brooding
• breathtaking
• decisive
• extreme

(Fearless Felix) What is the most effective way to combine sentences 7 and 8?

• After a two-and-a-half-hour trip and after he reached his target altitude, he then ran through an extensive checklist.
• After a two-and-a-half-hour trip, he reached his target altitude, then he ran through an extensive checklist.
• After a two-and-a-half-hour trip, he reached his target altitude, where he ran through an extensive checklist.
• After a two-and-a-half-hour trip where he ran through an extensive checklist, he reached his target altitude.

(Fearless Felix) There is a redundant sentence in the third paragraph (sentences 11–18). Which sentence should be deleted from this paragraph?

• Sentence 12
• Sentence 13
• Sentence 14
• Sentence 15