Dealing with Conflict Lesson

Can you think of a time when you were trying to make a point, but the other person kept interrupting you? This can be frustrating. For a conflict to get resolved, it’s important that both people understand how the other person is feeling about the situation. For this to happen, both people need to have the chance to say what they’re thinking and feeling without being interrupted. When you let someone say what’s on their mind, it’s easier to put yourself in their shoes and understand their side of the story.

Javier wants to order Chinese food for dinner, but his brother Matteo refuses to eat Chinese food and wants pizza.

Which of these questions would best help Javier to resolve this conflict?

• Who told you that you could decide what we eat for dinner?

• Don’t you know that Chinese food is tastier than pizza?

• Can you tell me why you don’t want to eat Chinese food?

• How mad would you be if I ordered Chinese food anyway?

Have you ever been in an argument with someone, and after a while, you can’t even remember what you were fighting about in the first place? Conflicts are like tornadoes. They grow and pick up things that aren’t related to the conflict, making the conflict even bigger. Maybe you and your friend first disagreed about whether the Nets or the Bulls are the best basketball team. She calls you a mean name, so you call her a mean name. She says, “You don’t know anything. You’re too short to play basketball anyway.” Suddenly you’re not talking about the Nets or the Bulls anymore!

Here are some tips for making sure a conflict doesn’t get out of control: Don’t use put-downs or make comments about someone’s appearance. Focus on the situation, and don’t bring up things that happened in the past. Don’t yell, shout or physically fight with the other person.

The author of the passage would most likely agree with which of these statements?

• There is nothing you can do to stop a conflict from growing.

• Bringing up the past can help resolve conflicts.

• Even good friends sometimes shout at each other.

• There are ways you can keep conflicts from getting out of control.

You can think of conflicts like an escalator, or a moving staircase. The top of the conflict escalator is the worst point of the conflict, when someone could get in trouble or get hurt. When someone does or says something to make a conflict worse, we say they’re going “up” the conflict escalator. This includes name calling, shouting or blaming someone for the conflict. When someone does or says something to help resolve the conflict, we say they’re going “down” the escalator. This includes listening to the other person, trying to calm down before talking or suggesting a compromise. The higher you go on the conflict escalator, the harder it is to “get off” and resolve the conflict—but it’s not impossible. We can always make choices to go down the conflict escalator, or “de-escalate” the conflict!

What are two things you can do to resolve, or de-escalate, conflict?

• push the other person away and tell them you don’t want to talk

• listen to the other person and suggest a compromise

• tell the other person to calm down and demand that they listen to you

• tease the other person and call them names

A good way to express your feelings during a conflict is to use an “I-Statement.” I-Statements are when you say how you feel and why you feel that way, starting with the word “I.” An I-Statement can go like this: “I feel _________ when _________ because _________, so I would like _________.” First you say how you feel. Then you say what the other person is doing to make you feel that way. Then you say why what they’re doing makes you feel that way. Finally, you explain what you’d like them to do instead.

For example: “I feel angry when you say I’m not tall enough to play basketball because basketball is one of my favorite sports. So I would like you to stop talking about my height.”

Maya’s is struggling to learn guitar, and her sister tells her that she’ll never be any good at it. This makes Maya really angry. What should Maya say to her sister if she wants to express herself without making the conflict worse?

• “You are really mean, and you wouldn’t be good at guitar either!”

• “I feel hurt when you tease me, but I bet that you’re only doing it because you’re jealous of me.”

• "I feel hurt when you tease me because I am working really hard, and I would like you to stop saying such things.”

• “You don’t understand how hard it is to learn guitar because you are lazy and never work hard at anything.”

A compromise is a great way to resolve a conflict. When you compromise, both people don’t get everything they want, but each person gets some of what they want...which is better than getting nothing at all! For example, if you and your brother each want to watch a different television show at the same time, you might have to compromise. Maybe you’ll agree to watch the first half of your show and then the second half of his. A fun way to resolve a conflict is to work with the other person to brainstorm a list of all the ways you could compromise. Then, pick one together.

Yuka and her brother Haruki are fighting because they both want to bike to school every day, but they only have one bike. How could they make a compromise to resolve this conflict?

• They could both agree to walk to school every day since they only have one bike.

• Yuka could use the bike every day while Haruki walks.

• They could tell their father and ask him to resolve the conflict for them.

• Yuka could use the bike for one half of the month, and Haruki could use it for the second half.

Have you ever heard someone say, “The conflict was heated”? That means there were a lot of strong emotions. Imagine the conflict as a pot of boiling water, about to bubble over. When conflicts get heated, take a break to cool down. Walk away and take a deep breath. You don’t want to get upset and say something you don’t really mean. After you cool down, you can think more clearly. Then, it’s easier to figure out how to resolve the conflict!

You can ask an adult for help resolving a conflict. This could be a parent, a teacher, a coach or another adult who will be as fair as possible to everyone involved in the conflict. This person might have more ideas for compromises that you didn’t think of yet. Or, they might help you keep track of different ways of resolving the conflict and talk about each one.

When you find yourself in a conflict, why is it a good idea to take a break and walk away?

• Walking away lets you calm down and think of ways to resolve the conflict.

• Walking away gives you time to think of mean things to say.

• Walking away gives you time to find an adult who will take your side.

• Walking away gives you time to find friends who will take your side and join in.

You want to see a movie, but your friend wants to go to the park. You want to do your geography project about France, but your partner wants to study Italy. Conflict happens all the time. It’s a normal part of life, and it’s not necessarily bad! It’s perfectly OK for people to have different opinions and disagree about something. It’s how people handle conflict that matters. If it’s handled in a good way, the conflict can end quickly with both people getting part of what they want, or at least not ending up in a big fight. If it’s not handled as well, well...that’s when the conflict can get out of hand and end in hurt feelings.

Conflict between friends...

• turns into a big fight no matter what.

• won’t turn into a fight if the conflict is handled appropriately.

• isn’t normal, and people who don’t agree about everything shouldn’t be friends.

• is a fair opportunity for friends to hurt each other’s feelings.

Annie and Layla are paired together for a project, and they’re having a conflict about whether to make a poster or a flipbook for their presentation.

Which of the following is a way they could compromise?

• They'll make only a poster.

• They'll make only a flipbook.

• They'll make both a poster and a small flipbook.

• They'll tell their teacher they can't work together.

Which step of the conflict resolution process is best shown in the passage?

Joy and Mekki are arguing about the rules of the game they’re playing. Joy lets Mekki say what he thinks the rules are without interrupting, and then Mekki lets Joy say what she thinks.

• listening to the other person talk

• coming up with a compromise

• cooling down and deciding whether the conflict is worth it

• asking an adult for help

All of the following would make a conflict worse except:

• yelling

• compromising

• name calling

• physically fighting