Active Listening

Are you really listening?

Most people do not listen with intent to understand. They listen with intent to reply.

Objectives

• define active listening

• describe how to engage in active listening

• list three things to avoid when active listening

• demonstrate effective active listening

Poll

How would you rate your listening skills?

• Excellent

• Good

• Average

• Poor

What is active listening?

A process in which a listener expresses understanding of a speaker's total message, including verbal and nonverbal, thoughts and feelings. Also known as empathic listening.

Multiple Choice

Active listening

• is useful in all listening situations.

• assumes the best answers lie within the speaker.

• is a way to help others solve their problems.

• is natural and intuitive for most of us.

just listen

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen. Not talk or do – just hear me.

Advice is cheap: 50 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.

And I can do for myself; I’m not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept the simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.

So, please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; I’ll listen to you.

Multiple Select

Which situations call for active listening?

• Amos wants dating advice

• Jesse had a big fight with his friend.

• Tara is struggling with gender identity.

• Maryam needs help solving a financial dilemma.

Dwight learning immediacy

Good questions?

You decide.

"Between work, school, family stuff, relationships and just life - I am totally overwhelmed. There is no way I can keep going at this pace and stay sane. I'm doing so many things, but I'm not doing any of them well. Why can't I manage my life better?"​

Multiple Choice

Of all you have going on, what do you think is the most overwhelming?

• Good question

• Bad question

Multiple Choice

Can you cut back on your hours at work?

• Good question

• Bad question

Multiple Choice

Is this a new experience or have you felt this way before?

• Good question

• Bad question

Multiple Choice

Don't you think most people are stressed these days?

• Good question

• Bad question

Multiple Choice

Have you tried meditation?

• Good question

• Bad question

Multiple Choice

How would you like to be handling your life right now?

• Good question

• Bad question

Multiple Choice

What are the biggest barriers to you living your ideal life right now?

• Good question

• Bad question

Can you spot the mistakes?

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Broken Hearted

Your friend has just broken up a love affair and is telling you about it. "I can't seem to get Chris out of my mind " he says. "All I do is daydream about what we used to do and all the fun we used to have.“

Multiple Select

I know that you miss Chris and the break up is hard on you, but you cannot sit around daydreaming and reminiscing all day. The first few weeks are going to be difficult, you’re going to cry and it’s going to seem like you will never move past this pain. When my ex-husband and I broke up it hurt me to my soul. I couldn’t eat, I could barely sleep and I was oblivious to everything else. But I got over it and you will too. Have you found a new place to move into or are you going to stay with your brother for now?

• solving

• sharing personal experience

• talking other out of feeling

I am a failure

You and your friend are discussing the recent chemistry exam. Your friend says: "I didn't get an A. I got a B+. What am I going to do now? I feel like a failure. "

Multiple Select

You feel like you failed because you got a B+ instead of an A on the chemistry exam? What makes you feel like a failure because it isn't an A? Don't you think it is almost an A, and is way better than a C or lower?

• solving

• sharing personal experience

• talking the other out of their feelings

They don't get it

A young nephew tells you that he cannot talk with his parents. No matter how hard he tries, they just don't listen. "I tried to tell them that I can't play baseball and I don't want to play baseball," he confides. "But they ignore me and tell me that all I need is practice.”

Multiple Select

Sometimes parents don’t understand or remember what its like to not want to play a sport. No one can be good at anything when they first start but instead of becoming upset why don’t you help me give the dog a bath. Every time I become upset I go outside and play with the dog for a while. It will help get your mind off of things plus it will be fun.

• solving

• sharing personal experience

• talking other out of their feelings

Open Ended

"I am feeling really alone. I just want to meet someone nice and get married, have children and enjoy our lives together. But nobody ever shows any interest in me. Or everyone is just wanting a quick hook-up. I'm going to be alone and miserable forever." Type your response: 1)paraphrase, 2)reflect emotion, 3)ask questions

What did you learn?

Answer the following true/false questions

Multiple Choice

Active listening is the same as empathic listening

• True

• False

Multiple Choice

Backchanneling refers to leaning back in your chair while listening.

• True

• False

Multiple Choice

Active listeners should seek to change the speaker's point of view.

• True

• False

Multiple Choice

"What are you going to do about it?" is a good active listening question.

• True

• False

Multiple Choice

"How does that make you feel?" shows the other person you care and are paying attention.

• True

• False

Multiple Choice

Paraphrasing helps because the speaker can hear back their own words.

• True

• False

Multiple Choice

Sharing your similar experience is a good way to demonstrate empathy.

• True

• False

Multiple Choice

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about" is an attempt to talk the other out of their feelings.

• True

• False

Multiple Choice

The only time you should offer a solution is if the other person asks for one.

• True

• False

​Now go out and listen to someone.

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