Revision and Cohesion

​Revision

By Rajani Richier

What is revision?

Reviewing what you’ve already done to improve your writing
Considers cohesion, and clarity

A student is writing a personal narrative for her English class. Read the partial draft of the narrative and complete the task that follows:

I find myself wandering down the aisle at Sephora while listening to my music. I browse around and see the number of brands all over the store. I love listening to music, especially when it comes to shopping. I finally locate the brand, Too Faced. I need to find what eye shadow color I should purchase. When it comes to buying eye shadow, I look for something lighter than my actual skin tone to brighten my face. So, I won't look like a total zombie.

I crouch down towards the floor to have a better view of the eyeshadows they offer. I feel someone tap my shoulder, so remove my AirPod from my ear and look up to see a Sephora employee smiling down at me.

"Hello, miss. I'm Miriam. Do you need any help?" The employee asks me.
"Actually yes," I say as I stand up and dust off my pants, "I need help finding an eyeshadow shade from Too Faced."
"Of Course! Let me see what I can do for you," she says. She begins to sort the different shades of eyeshadow.

Multiple Choice

Revise the underlined sentence by choosing a sentence that shows more precise, detailed language.

• She moves around the small boxes of eyeshadow

• She moves with delicate precision as her fingers gently tap between matchbook-sized boxes of eyeshadow tipping them like dominoes

• She looks for a shade of eyeshadow that would suit me.

• She looks hard to try and find me a good shade of eyeshadow that would compliment my skin color well.

Multiple Choice

Christina has made an error in sentence 2. Select the response that corrects this error.

Delaney, a friend I've known since kindergarten, moved with her parents to

• Oak Park, a suburb of Chicago

• oak Park, a suburb of Chicago

• oak park, a Suburb of Chicago

• oak park, a suburb of chicago

Multiple Choice

4. Which of the following would be the best sentence to insert at the beginning of the passage?

 (1)  Kabuki performance first appeared in 103, when a woman named Isumo no Okuni began performing a new style of drama and dance routines outside of Kyoto.  (2)  This new form of entertainment quickly got popular throughout Japan.

(3)  Kabuki was known for its extravagant costumes and elaborate make-up.  (4)  The stage was what really set it apart from other forms of theater at the time.  (5)  It included a walkway protruding from the stage out through the audience. (6)  Actors would use this walkway to make surprise entrances.  (7)  More advanced features were added, such as rotating stages and trapdoors to lift actors onto or down from the stage almost instantly.  (8)  All of these were used to create dramatic emphasis.

• A. Have you ever been to a Broadway musical?
• B. There is a new form of theater in Japan today known as kabuki theater.
• C. Kabuki theater, still a very popular form of entertainment in Japan today, was invented over four hundred years ago.
• D. What is kabuki theater, anyway?
• E. In 1629, the Japanese government banned women from performing on stage, so from that point on all female roles were played by men.

Multiple Choice

5. Which is the best way to combine Sentence 3 and 4?

 (1)  Kabuki performance first appeared in 103, when a woman named Isumo no Okuni began performing a new style of drama and dance routines outside of Kyoto.  (2)  This new form of entertainment quickly got popular throughout Japan.

(3)  Kabuki was known for its extravagant costumes and elaborate make-up.  (4)  The stage was what really set it apart from other forms of theater at the time.  (5)  It included a walkway protruding from the stage out through the audience. (6)  Actors would use this walkway to make surprise entrances.  (7)  More advanced features were added, such as rotating stages and trapdoors to lift actors onto or down from the stage almost instantly.  (8)  All of these were used to create dramatic emphasis.

• A. Known for its extravagant costumes and elaborate make-up, the stage was what really set it apart from other forms of theater at the time.
• B. Kabuki was known for its extravagant costumes and elaborate make-up, however, the stage was what really set it apart from other forms of theater at the time.
• C. Kabuki was known for its extravagant and elaborate make-up, and the stage was what really set it apart from other forms of theater at the time.
• D. Kabuki was known for its extravagant costumes and elaborate make-up, because the stage was what really set it apart from other forms of theater at the time.
• E. Kabuki was known for its extravagant costumes and elaborate make-up, but the stage was what really set it apart from other forms of theater at the time.

Multiple Choice

2. Which sentence, if any, is extraneous and can be deleted to improve the paragraph?

(1) The Hunchback of Notre Dame follows the pattern of a tragedy quite closely.  (2)  It contains a tragic hero with a flaw that brought him to his misery and death.  (3)  As with other tragedies, Quasimodo’s misfortunes are largely accredited to God, the universe, or whatever caused him to be born so ugly.  (4)  There is no story form so universally appreciated and timeless as the tragedy.  (5)  Because of Quasimodo’s rise and fall as a tragic hero, Victor Hugo’s novel can absolutely be considered a tragedy.

• A. Sentence 1
• B. Sentence 2
• C. Sentence 3
• D. Sentence 4
• E. Sentence 5

Drag and Drop

Drag the stronger word into the sentence

The movie was​

Placeholder

Drag these tiles and drop them in the correct blank above

thrilling

good

Match

Match the following terms with the example

• Parallel Structure

• Complex Sentence

• Conjunction

• Transition

He likes hiking, swimming, and biking

The play was exciting; it inspired me.

She likes pizza but she prefers pasta

Additionally, she set the school record

• He likes hiking, swimming, and biking

• The play was exciting; it inspired me.

• She likes pizza but she prefers pasta

• Additionally, she set the school record