Jew Or Not

Theodor Herzl

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Answer explanation

(Benjamin Ze'ev Herzl)May 2, 1860 – July 3, 1904

Moses, all things great and biblical, was not raised with his Jewish heritage. Instead he adopted it after he saw the plight of his people. As their leader, Moses argued with the Pharaoh to let his people return to their homeland.

Eventually, Moses was able to lead the Hebrews out of Egypt and across the desert. He died on Mount Nebo at the impossible old age of 120, outside the promised land, having taken his people from bondage to independence, leaving the fate of the Jews to other great men.

Theodore Herzl was born in Austria-Hungary to two Jewish parents who raised him as an assimilated agnostic. Herzl studied law in Vienna, but mostly he bounced around aimlessly from one mediocrity to another.

After the Dreyfus affair and the rise to power of famed anti-semite Karl Lueger in Vienna, Herzl had a revelation: his people needed their own homeland. He made it his life's work to bring them there.

Herzl wrote Der Juudenstaat, his tract on the need for a Jewish state, advocating Argentina (?!) and Palestine (nee Israel) as possible locations. He also began politicking with world leaders to gain the influence he would need to make it happen. Mostly, he was dismissed. But Herzl continued his work until his death, making the Jewish state a cause celeb and forever linking himself with the movement.

Herzl did not live to see the promised land. He died at the impossibly young age of 44, well before World War I, let alone World War II and the establishment of the Jewish state. Herzl is now buried on a mountain in Israel — Mount Herzl.

A fitting name for the resting place of the modern Moses.

Verdict: Jew.

Jew Score:15

Mel Gibson

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Answer explanation

NO.

Verdict: Not a Jew.

Jew Score:0

Shrek

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Answer explanation

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Shrek is Jewish? Let us stop you right here. He's so obviously Scottish!

Or is he?

What's so Scottish about Shrek? Well, the accent, obviously. But remove the twang: you are left with a big-nosed misanthrope who is forced to live outside the Pale of Settlement, is not welcome by the royals, and is subject to countless fiery pogroms.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Here you go again, shoehorning a Jew where there is none in the first place!

Or is there?

Shrek was originally created by cartoonist William Steig, Jew. Not only that, his name comes from the Yiddish shrek: fear, terror (shreklekh: awful, horrible; shrekn: to frighten, to scare).

Fine, fine, fine. So we give you that. Maybe Shrek is somewhat Jewish. But what about the accent?

Well... maybe he is a Jewish ogre to just happened to live in Scotland long enough to acquire a brogue?

Whoa.

Verdict: Borderline Jew.

Jew Score:9

Mr. Burns

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Answer explanation

(Charles Montgomery Burns)

Could Mr. Burns be Jewish? According to some, yes; he is super-rich and has a big nose, so he must be a Jewish stereotype!

Oh, some. It's so easy to look on the surface and subscribe to the stereotype d' jour. Easy and WRONG.

There's absolutely nothing Jewish about Mr. Burns. He's a prototypical WASP billionaire, based on Norwegian magnate Fredrik Olsen (Not a Jew), as well as John D. Rockefeller (Not a Jew, as previously discussed).

Want more evidence? Well, Mr. Burns attended Yale during the early 20th century, when that university was unbashfully antisemitic. Not only that, at Yale he was a member of the Skull and Bones (no Jews allowed). Not enough? What about Mr. Burns' claim that he made shells for the Nazis during World War II ("and mine worked, damn it!")? Or when he celebrates Christmas, even if it is begrudgingly?

Even his nose, his big nose, is not Jewish at all. If we're going by stereotypes here, his is long, thin, and straight; Jewish tend to be bulky, thick and bumpy.

Mr. Burns: Not a Jew. Excellent...

Verdict: Not a Jew.

Jew Score:6

Krusty the Clown

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Answer explanation

(Herschel Shmoikel Pinkus Yerucham Krustofsky)

"All this time I thought I was a self-loathing Jew, when all along I was just a plain old antisemite." — Krusty the Clown

Hey hey kids! It's Krusty the Clown, everyone's favorite animated harlequin, host of his own TV show, peddler of various shady products, gambling-addicted alcoholic, friend of Bette Midler and Johnny Carson. And a Jew, as we found out in one of the earliest memorable episodes, when Krusty tried to reconnect with his estranged rabbi father Hyman Krustofski.

Of course, being a Jew does not stop Krusty from hosting "Krusty Kinda Khristmas" and having his own brand of pork products. So he truly is the definition of "self-loathing Jew". Or is it just "plain old antisemite"?

We'll still take him over Chief Wiggum, Waylon Smithers, or Barney Gumble any day of the week.

Verdict: Jew.

Jew Score:10

Harley Quinn

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Answer explanation

(Dr. Harleen Quinzel)

Sometimes we forget that not everyone lives in New York City. It comes with the culture — you tend to assume that everyone is a part of it. Among New Yorkers this error is considered cute, even endearing. And if the rest of the world finds it insulting, well, if we gave a crap what other people thought we wouldn't be New Yorkers.

With that thought in mind, we present the Joker's favorite femme fatale Harley Quinn. The first time she appeared (in Batman: The Animated Series) with her prototypical Linda Richman accent, Yiddish catchphrases and use of the word oy — it never occurred to us that she might be Jewish. She just seemed like every other New Yorker we grew up hearing/working with/related to.

So when people from outside NYC suggest that these things make her Jewish, well, color us dubious. As above, we forget that to non-New Yorkers, these things don't sound normal, they sound Jewish. But trust us when we say they're not.

Especially when the only other evidence is a conveniently-lost kosher confession from a Christmas episode. (Side note: Not to reveal our true nerdiness, but if it had existed, we would have seen it.)

So no, blonde haired, blue eyed Harlene Qunizel is not Jewish, even though she talks like a Jew. Because if that was all it took, all five boros plus Northern Jersey, Southern Connecticut and parts of Pennsylvania would be lighting candles this Friday.

Anyone who says different is just a clown.

(Editor's update: Well, well. Apparently, after years of supposed hinting, Harley Quinn admitted that she was Jewish. Oy.)

Verdict: Jew.

Jew Score:9

The Penguin

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Answer explanation

(Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot)

Scene: We are inside the Batcave. Batman is seated at his desk in front of a large viewscreen. Alfred, his loyal butler, stands at his side.

Batman: "Computer, show me the locations of every Jewish temple in Gotham."

Alfred: "Temples, sir?"

Batman: "The Penguin's back in town."

Alfred: "I see, sir. I assume, then, that his crime spree must be involved with something Jewish in nature."

Batman: "Alfred, the Penguin is Jewish. It's Friday night. He'll be well on his way to shul by now."

Alfred: "The Penguin? Jewish? I had no idea."

Batman: "Of course. For instance, his origin is an obvious Jewish archetype. He was abandoned as a baby and put in a basket in a river. Just like Moses."

Alfred: "Are you sure that story is still in the current continuity, sir?"

Batman: "You know, I'm not sure. With all these reboots, it's hard to keep things straight. But even so, look at him! His big nose. His obsession with wealth. His love of herring..."

Alfred: "I believe, Master Bruce, that you are merely propagating a negative Jewish stereotype."

Batman: "Really?

Alfred: "I am afraid so, sir."

Batman: "Wow. I guess I should tell Robin to stop searching all of Gotham's Chinese restaurants."

Alfred: "Very good, sir."

Next week on Batman: The caped crusader discovers, to his horror, that Black Canary is, in fact, not black.

[Editor's Update: In 2019, an episode of the Harley Quinn animated series depicts The Penguin attending his nephew's bar mitzvah. Consider us intrigued, but not convinced. Still, that should teach us to doubt the Batman. He is the world's greatest detective, after all.]

Verdict: Not a Jew.

Jew Score:5

Darth Vader

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Answer explanation

(Anakin Skywalker)

Many Bothans died to bring you the image on the right.

When they finally delivered it to us, hidden in the hard drive of a damaged R2 unit, we were confused. Hebrew lettering on Darth Vader's chest? What could it mean?

Clearly, he's not Jewish. First of all, Exodus clearly states that the Skywalker tribe chose to stay in Egypt instead of following Moses to the promised land. Plus, Vader's whole dedication to the Force and not the Talmud means he can't have converted. Then there's the constant choking. Maybe if he slaughtered his enemies with guilt. But, no.

But if Vader is just another lightsaber-wielding, pig-consuming Gentile, why the Hebrew letters? Easy: Vader's TAILOR must have been Jewish!

Now see that makes sense. Some poor landsman working on the Death Star designing all those meshuggenah outfits for the Empire. And when he did Vader's suit — his piece de resistance, if you will — he decided to add a little personal touch.

Can't you just see it now? A little man with a beard and a yarmulke scrambling around the Imperial halls patching torn uniforms, checking Vader's inseam, collecting payment from the Emperor...

It makes too much sense to not be true. We've just got to hope our little friend got off the space station before the whole thing went kablooey.

Verdict: Sadly, Not a Jew.

Jew Score:6

Paris Hilton

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Answer explanation

February 17, 1981 —

We are hypocrites. We'll be the first to tell you that we've seen enough of Paris Hilton. Every time this worthless (overexposed, hollow, untalented, obtuse, irrelevant) waste of chromosomes rears her face, we try to look away.

So why are we profiling her on this website, when she is obviously not Jewish? Well, it looks like Paris is following Madonna with the Kabbalah fad. And while Madonna at least possesses some kind of intelligence that makes it seem that she is sincere in her intentions, the words "intelligence" and "Paris Hilton" do not belong in the same sentence... or on the same planet.

So we apologize for this profile. In a week which saw us talk about Scarlett Johansson, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Alicia Silverstone, to follow that up with Paris Hilton? Well... we need some low Jew Scores too.

Verdict: Not a Jew.

Jew Score:2

The Devil

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Answer explanation

(Satan / Lucifer / The Prince of Darkness)

There is no hell in Judaism. Apparently, life itself is punishment enough.

When we die we are simply cast to the winds. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Whether that's good news or bad probably depends on your perspective. Or how good a person you've been. All those years pretending to like people — wasted!

There are some positives, though. For example, there is no infernal overlord waiting in the hellfires below to nosh on our kosher souls. And while there are certainly icons of evil in Judaism (dybbuks, devils, Jews for Jesus), we lack that true villainous fiend plotting our demise from afar. Ironic considering the history of Jews.

Anyway, this makes the idea of a Jewish devil seem a little odd. How can we be something that we ourselves don't believe in? That's getting a little existential for this website, isn't it?

On the other hand, our good friends the goyim certainly think he is a Jew. The classic picture of the horned, bearded, big-nosed Beelzebub screams anti-Jewish propaganda. Maybe the pitchfork is for spearing creamed herrings?

And if you think about it, there's something about ol' Scratch we find attractive. After all, the Devil's only job is to judge and then punish goyim. Does it get any better than that? Y'know, now that we think about it, maybe the Devil could be...

Y'know what? Let's just leave it at that. Hell or no, we're heading somewhere in a handbasket.

Anyone else feeling a little warm?

Verdict: Not a Jew.

Jew Score:4