The Importance of Listening

Friendships are built on good listening, and good listening means more than hearing. After all, it doesn’t take any effort to hear. Good listening means that you are doing something. That’s why we call good listening active listening. Active listeners give signs, both verbal (through speech) and nonverbal (through their body language) to communicate that they are paying attention.

You might not be able to see what people hear, but you can tell if they are or are not actively listening. Think about what you look like when you’re bored. You might stare off into space or out a window, tap your foot, lean or slouch. A person’s body language and facial expressions can show when they are paying attention and when they’re bored. Even if you’re perfectly quiet, these nonverbal cues can send a message loud and clear. What’s the message? “I’m not listening.”

If you are practicing active listening, which of these is most likely true?

• You are tapping your foot. .

• Your body language shows that you’re paying attention.

• All you are doing is hearing the noises around you

• You are talking very loudly for a long time.

Interrupting isn’t part of active listening. Often, people interrupt accidentally because they are excited by a conversation. However, it doesn’t always feel that way to the person being interrupted. In fact, when you interrupt it can send a message that you think what you have to say is more important than what someone else is saying.

You shouldn’t interrupt, but you don’t have to be silent either. Remember, active listening is a two-way street, and there are verbal cues that show you’re listening. Sometimes, you can offer positive reinforcement by saying “yes” or “mhm” to encourage the speaker to continue.

In general, these verbal cues will clarify or reflect on what you’ve heard. By clarifying, you ensure that you really understand. Reflecting allows the speaker to hear his or her own thoughts. One way to reflect is to paraphrase, or repeat and summarize what you’ve heard in your own words.

Selma is actively listening to her friend Lyle tell a story about his trip to the beach. Which of these will Selma most likely do?

• say “mhm” as Lyle tells his story

• interrupt Lyle in the middle of his story

• walk away from Lyle before his story is over

• ask Lyle to tell his story a lot faster

Active listening is sometimes called “whole body listening” because it involves more than just the ears. Claire’s slouching posture is sending a message that she isn’t listening. To practice active listening, Claire should face the speaker. Her feet and hands should be quiet and still, and she should keep her eyes on the person speaking. These small changes to her body and posture would send a whole different message. Active listening involves the brain and heart, too. Even though the speaker can’t see what Claire is thinking and feeling, Claire should focus her thoughts on what is being said. She should also try to put herself in the speaker’s shoes. This will help her care about and connect with the presentation on a personal and emotional level.

Which of the following does not show a speaker that you are actively listening?

• focusing on what is being said

• keeping hands and feet still

• facing the listener

• slouching

When we say active listening is a “two-way street,” we mean that both people are contributing and receiving something. You don’t listen just to make the speaker feel good. You learn from what they say, too. No two people think in the exact same way. Your classroom, like the world around you, is full of rich and diverse perspectives. By actively listening, you can work toward understanding those different perspectives and challenge and stretch your own ideas. Through reflecting on what you hear, paraphrasing and asking follow-up questions you can learn and grow.

How can active listening help you?

• It allows you to receive something without giving anything.

• It allows you to stretch your ideas and perspectives.

• It allows you to believe the exact same things as someone else.

• It allows others to believe the exact same things as you.

An important part of active listening is listening with an open mind. That means being willing to consider the value of what is being said. Everyone has opinions, and sometimes our opinions can make it easy to judge what we hear. However, if we pre-judge, we can misunderstand. When we listen with an open mind, we don’t jump to any conclusions. We aren’t listening to determine whether someone is right or wrong. Instead, we are making an effort to understand where the speaker is coming from.

Listening with an open mind means

• listening to figure out if the speaker is right or wrong.

• feeling confident that you know more than the speaker.

• pre-judging someone to make a prediction about what they will say.

• trying to understand where the speaker is coming from.

Have you ever had a disagreement because of a misunderstanding? Miscommunication is at the heart of many conflicts, but active listening can help. The next time you and a friend have a conflict, you might follow the steps of active listening to better understand their side. It can be especially hard to actively listen when you want to defend or explain yourself. But if you both commit to listening actively, you might just be able to come to a resolution.

Exercising empathy is part of active listening. When you exercise empathy, you try to understand the speaker’s point of view. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with him or her, but it does mean that you put yourself in the speaker’s shoes. It can be hard to break bad habits, but remember that active listening is a skill. Like all skills, it can be learned and built with practice.

Which of these statements about active listening is true?

• You can get better at active listening.

• Active listening can’t help you resolve conflicts.

• It’s best to not have empathy when actively listening.

• It’s easiest to actively listen during a conflict.

Communication is how we send messages from person to person. It can be spoken or written—including emails, texts and DMs. It can also be nonverbal, or not using words at all. We communicate our feelings, wants and needs through our body language. For example, if you are angry, you might clench your jaw or cross your arms across your chest. If you’re feeling shy or uncomfortable, you might look down at the floor or slouch in your seat. Even when you don’t say a word, you are communicating with the world around you.

Which of these is an example of nonverbal communication?

• shrugging your shoulders

• writing an essay

• telling your favorite joke

• sending a text

There are four main styles of communication: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive. Communication moves in two ways: the speaker sends a message to the listener, and then the listener sends feedback to the speaker. The four styles of communication differ on how each person considers their own wants and needs in relation to the other person’s wants and needs.

When you communicate in a passive way, you take other people’s needs and wants into account but not your own. You often “go with the flow” even if you don’t want to do something. You may even let other people decide what is best for you. When you communicate passively, you risk other people taking advantage of you. Cues that you might be communicating passively include speaking softly, looking down, mumbling or slouching.

Which of these best describes passive communication?

• considering your own needs more than the other person’s

• considering the other person’s needs more than your own

• considering your needs and the other person’s equally

• not considering anyone’s needs at all

Communicating aggressively is basically the opposite of communicating passively. Aggressive communicators take their own wants and needs into account but not the other person’s. They do not listen to or respect other people’s ideas. They may use put-downs to express their opinions or to get what they want. Aggressive communication often leads to increased conflict instead of peace. Cues that you might be communicating aggressively include speaking loudly or yelling, clenching your fists or intruding in the other person’s space.

The author of this passage would most likely agree with which of these statements?

• Aggressive communication is not an effective way to settle a disagreement.

• Aggressive communication is the best way to get things done.

• Aggressive communicators are some of the most respectful people.

• Yelling is not an example of aggressive communication.

Passive-aggressive communication combines elements of both passive and aggressive styles. When you are communicating passive-aggressively, you appear passive on the surface. You might shrug and go along with what the other person wants to do. However, you might be angry and resentful on the inside. Passive-aggressive communicators let out their aggression in subtle ways. Instead of yelling at the other person, they might mutter an insult under their breath or give them the silent treatment. They might start a rumor about someone to “get back” at them. Ultimately, these undercover acts of aggression do not help a person get their needs met and may lead to conflict.

Which of these best describes passive-aggressive communication?

• showing people how angry you are by yelling and throwing things

• acting laid-back on the surface but being mean in secret small ways

• quietly accepting whatever comes your way without complaining

• making sure both you and the other person are heard and respected