Dr. Niels Langer, the universally recognized climatologist, says that global warming is an extremely important problem that must be addressed immediately.  Therefore, we should take him at his word and get to work on solving this problem right now.

Standard & Poors, Wells Fargo, Goldman Sachs, Merrill Lynch, Bank of America—all of these companies continue to pay their top executives huge bonuses.  It must be the case that every American company pays its top executives huge bonuses.

Radio host Rush Limbaugh argues that ObamaCare is doomed to failure.  But who is this screwball Limbaugh?  He’s nothing but a fascist, sexist, homophobic, drug-addicted moron, who will say anything to stir up the ultra right. Every sane person should shut him off.

Dorothy has blue eyes and blond hair. Therefore, probably her identical twin sister Theodora has blue eyes and blond hair.

It’s never a good idea to allow your teenage kids to have a sip of champagne on New Year’s Eve. Next they’ll be drinking beer during TV football games. Then it’ll be wine every night at dinner. Then Bloody Marys every morning. Soon they’ll be raging alcoholics, and the costs for rehab will be enormous. 

Every component in this boat is made of rust-proof material.  Therefore, the entire boat is rust-proof.

Congressman Baxter, I know you will want to support our application to clear-cut the old growth timber in the Great Northern forest.  After all, surely you don’t want the media to find out about that affair you’ve been having with a certain Capitol Hill intern.

There is a lot of talk these days about the need for greater fuel economy in SUVs.  But today’s SUV’s are really beautiful.  The Cadillac Escalade has clean lines, supple leather, and polished hardwood.  The Lincoln Navigator features beautiful paint and the feel of strength and security.  And the Mercury Mariner has wonderful styling and a great sound system.  Who could ask for anything more?

Whatever you do, never accept a date from Ken Bradshaw. The last woman to date Ken broke up with him in just 3 weeks and became a lesbian.

Professor Gibson said that he teaches only dead white philosophers.  Therefore, it must be the case that all of his students are dead.

Either you buy me a new Rolls Royce or I’ll have to walk to work in the snow.  And I’m sure you don’t want me to do that.

Tom Larsen could not have written this fine term paper. Tom is as stupid as the day is long, and he can’t put three words together to form an intelligent sentence. 

The war in Iraq was justified beyond any question.  America was founded in the spirit of freedom and self-determination, and it finds its destiny in liberating the victims of tyranny wherever they languish!  America is a beacon of hope for the oppressed, a refuge for the downtrodden, a shining star of freedom for the whole world!  The hand of the Almighty points the way!  Every true patriot will heed the clarion call of freedom for all humankind!

William likes to eat.  He also likes to make love.  It follows that William likes to eat while he’s making love.

The new Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan says that interracial marriage is a crime against nature.  Therefore, that interracial couple who just moved into the neighborhood must be a pair of criminals.

Either Thomas Edison or Samuel F. B. Morse invented the telegraph.  But it wasn’t Edison.  Therefore, Morse invented the telegraph.

Hugo lost an arm in a car accident last year.  But surely he will get it back.  Most things that are lost turn up sooner or later.

Judge, surely I’m not obligated to pay $250,000 in back taxes.  If you were to decide against me, it would really put a crimp in my finances.  I wouldn’t be able to afford that new BMW, and my social status in our upscale neighborhood will drop like a rock.

A hundred years ago people listened to recorded music on their gramophones.  There are very few gramophones around today.  Therefore, probably people listen to less recorded music today than they did a hundred years ago.

Nobody has ever seen Mr. Albie walk without crutches.  We conclude that Mr. Albie needs crutches to walk.

Floyd Conway has given us his reasons for unrestricted logging in our national forests.  But it’s obvious why he says these things.  Floyd is a lumberjack, and he just wants to ensure that he’ll have a job in the years ahead.

All political operatives are disingenuous characters and all clever manipulators are disingenuous characters.  Thus, all political operatives are clever manipulators.

Nancy, I saw you in Smiley’s Bar last night.  Level with me.  Are you still getting drunk on a regular basis?

During the five years that Clarence has worn a Rolex watch, three of his married friends have gotten a divorce.  Thus, to prevent any more divorces, it is essential that he stop wearing that watch.

It’s dangerous to use a hair dryer while taking a bath.  But a rechargeable shaver is an electrical device no less than a hair dryer.  Therefore, it’s dangerous to use a rechargeable shaver while taking a bath.

Mark is a rotten salesman.  But every salesman is a person.  Therefore, Mark is a rotten person.

Tom is a bit of a dunce when it comes to mathematics, and he hasn’t studied a bit for the next calculus test.  Therefore, he probably won’t do very well on that test.

Libertarians are insensitive to the plight of the poor.  We know this is so because they want to abolish the minimum wage.  And we know they want to do this because they want to eliminate all restrictions on hiring the poor.  And of course this is true because Libertarians are insensitive to the plight of the poor.

The idea that fast food is unhealthy is a lot of hooey.  Why, 90% of America eats fast food.

We know for certain that no armadillos are aardvarks.  It is therefore equally certain that no aardvarks are armadillos.

Valerie Norton’s new novel is a real thriller.  Therefore, every single chapter must be thrilling.

The Second Amendment to the Constitution guarantees everyone the right to bear arms.  Therefore it should be legal for those undercover Al Qaeda members to buy a carload of shoulder-launched surface-to-air missiles.

In a random sample of 300 current year Honda Civic Hybrids, 100 had a defect in the fuel injection system.  Therefore, probably about a third of that entire production run has a defect in the fuel injection system.

This brick made of 24 caret gold has been sliced into 50 pieces.  Therefore, each of the pieces must be 24 caret gold.

It’s absolutely clear that the U.S. should get out of the U.N.  National autonomy should never be turned over to foreign nations.

Movie star Marci Downs says in magazine ads that the new Porsche XKG is the sexiest car on the road.  But you shouldn’t take what she says too seriously because she’s paid thousands of dollars to make these ads.

Ed Jackson argues that the war in Iraq was a tragic mistake.  But look who’s talking!  Before his recent discharge, Jackson was participating in the very war he now condemns.  Obviously his arguments can’t be trusted.

Katie has been squabbling with her fiancé about the details of their wedding.  Thus, it would be a good idea for her to hire somebody to beat him up.

Nobody has ever proved that capitalist economics corrupts people’s values, as Karl Marx claimed.  Therefore, we must conclude that capitalism does not corrupt people’s values.